Fat Head

When you move to a new place, a new country really, you want some stability.  Something to count on during the ups and downs of foreign-ness.  Living below sea level, trying to communicate with giants in a language reminiscent of hocking a lugie, makes certainly highly welcome.  

I have found a few things to count on in Amsterdam:

1.  It will be ungodly windy.  As in, it feels like a creature you never knew existed comes down from the heavens to blow hell winds upon you.  Every day.

2.       It will be very dark, not just sometimes, but always.

3.       It will rain most of the time, and when it doesn’t, it will be so dark you can’t see the sun anyway.  I’ve tried looking - don't bother.

4.       Despite the first three points above, Dutch people cycle through it all and don’t understand what the big deal is.

5.       Regardless of how foreign this city is, you will run into acquaintances every time you walk outside your door.

I unexpectedly ran into a lot of people I know this weekend.  I went to the fabulous Saturday market to get ready for my dinner party and came upon 6 different people I knew.   

First I ran into my neighbor, which I do with some frequency.  During this particular encounter I repeated the same inner dialogue I’ve done for the past two weeks:   “Why in the hell haven’t you purchased her a Christmas gift yet?  Is it too late?  Yes, shit, it is nearly February.  Valentines day gift?  No, that’s creepy.  You’re a bad neighbor, Christy.  Get it together!”

But my neighbor broke into my thoughts with the following comment “did you lose weight on your holiday?” I looked at her surprised because I feel like I’ve gained about 5 pounds in Dutch Cheese. 

“No, I haven’t lost any weight”

“Well, your face doesn’t look as big as it used to look.  Maybe just less stress.”

Do you understand the beauty of this statement?  “Your face doesn’t look as big as it used to”?  Only the Dutch would say something like that!  Thing is, my face is humongous - I'm not called Cheeks Mommsen for nothing.  So my honest neighbor did NOT say my face appeared slimmer.  NO!  She observed that it didn’t look as big as it was before.

Love these Dutch people!  She’s not getting a Christmas gift after all.

Then I went to the market.  I froze.  And that’s because I ended up standing outside talking to people that I know.  Can you imagine?  For like an hour!  I lived in London for 2 years and never made 6 friends much less ran into them anywhere.  I was a lot more efficient there.

Unfortunately I didn’t just run into friends and fond neighbors calling me a fat head.  I also ended up standing in line for pumpkin seed bread with an ubber Senior Executive at Philips.  And I couldn’t remember his name (more inner dialogue:  “Christina Mommsen.  You want to get promoted?  Try remembering the names of the board of management!  What?  You think they all look the same?  You think they all sound the same?  You’re right.  It's hopeless trying to remember.”  I do have to say, on a positive note, Dutch bread is completely amazing.  Accompany it with some old Dutch cheese?  Well, I can’t stop eating it, which will make my face fatter, and I know my Dutch neighbor will be sure to give me a progress report.

Anyway, Jan van der Loogie whatever was standing next to me in a long line for about 5 minutes while we smiled and nodded and never exchanged a word.  But he definitely acknowledged that I didn’t know his name.  Good to know that my career might be finished.  Whew. 

Before I go to sleep (it’s past 8 PM) I would like to clarify for Katy the difference in our dinner parties.  Unlike my favorite Cousin Katy, I don’t experiment with Mommsen family recipes.  But I seriously admire that Katy does.  Instead I choose to spend about 100 euros on prepared food.  Why?  Well, mostly because I can’t be bothered to cook, but also because I still don’t know how to use my oven.  And it's not just because I’m a moron.   It’s because it is a combination microwave and oven.   What?  Never heard of such a thing?  That’s because it never should have been created and I’m pretty sure you don’t want one.

I have pondered what consumer insight Marketeers used to convince management this was a winning business idea.  Probably something like “Sometimes when I’m cooking food in the oven I suddenly realize I should have used the microwave instead and I am perplexed. It sure would take a load off my mind if they were the same thing. That would be like magic.”

It was created for fucktards and I'm boycotting it.

Problem is, according to my Dutch friends, I have to try the real deal next time.  No prepared food.  Katy, I will need your love and support for my first stab at the Totterole. 

Oh no, say it ain't so!  Monday is tomorrow.......