The Dutch are really peculiar about Birthdays.
My first exposure to the Amsterdam Birthday Treatment was when I got to work and my boss walked straight over to my desk to say “CONGRATULATIONS!” with a big grin on his face and excited clap of the hands like I’d just won the fucking lottery.
My reaction was a blank look while I thought of all the things I could be congratulated for. A raise? Promotion? “Congratulations for what?”
With the same silly grin, the boss enthusiastically says: “Congratulations for your birthday!” and then looked at me expectantly. I had no idea what he was waiting for, so I just sat there smiling randomly and wanting that particular moment to end. What I discovered (after let’s say about 20 visits from colleagues that day. Doesn’t take me long to catch on!) that I was supposed to jump up with enthusiasm “Yes, it’s my birthday! Isn’t that wonderful?” and deliver a Dutch kiss, kiss, kiss with a plumb. But instead I just stared at him like he was slightly crazy. Because that is a little nuts, right? I mean it is just a birthday and I really didn’t do anything except survive to deserve congratulations for it.
Then there’s the process of cakes. In the NL each birthday boy or girl is responsible for buying cakes for their colleagues and then having a party for themselves. Not a party with birthday hats and candles. They're just random cakes sans candles. This part of having a birthday was also stressful because I forgot to buy the cakes. So my Dutch birthday experience was a touch awkward.
This whole birthday experience did make me miss something. And that is called a good ol’ American Hug! I love a good hug. But the kiss kiss kiss? It’s just too intrusive and emotionally taxing to have to deal with on a regular basis. There’s the self doubt - do I still smell like wet wool from my sweaty bike ride to work? Too much perfume? Too little? I should’ve brushed my teeth again.
And there’s the question of when to kiss (apparently birthdays for sure!) and who to kiss (I really don’t like that I have to kiss my boss, I think that’s strange). So I am going to try my best to introduce the hug, and maybe even the distant handshake, into Dutch society. Kissing is too complicated.
